


Tugging at my heartstrings

by Chumly



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Cats, Coffee, Coin, Connor is human, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Real Events, Internal Conflict, M/M, Self-Indulgent, Sleep disorders, Swearing, Touch-Starved, less plot more feelies, present time AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-10 10:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17424161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chumly/pseuds/Chumly
Summary: Gavin loves to torment his socially inept co-worker. One day he decides it would be hilarious to take him out to the busy nightlife... just to see his flustered expression again.





	1. Gnawing at my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prologue

It all started in November last year. Lieutenant Prick got a new partner to help with the recent serial killings that were plaguing Detroit and the minds of many investigators, no one being able to get any substantial leads. Sent neatly wrapped straight from the FBI, looking like a lost deer. But it couldn't be just any ol' bastard, could it. It had to be a fucking perfect human being. A walking computer brain in a model's body.

He hated him the first time he had laid eyes on him. Just a new threat in his already flimsy position here at DPD. Lieutenant Prick… Hank also didn't appreciate this new addition to his life at the beginning. It had turned out our flawless boy Connor wasn't all that flawless after all. He was definitely... special. He maybe had a genius brain but it made him lack in the social side of things. Communication. He was certainly trained to deal with criminals, was an amazing negotiator and his interrogations were a sight to behold but when it came to private interactions he was completely useless.

And that made Gavin's dead rotten heart sing. He gathered a great enjoyment in bullying that poor guy. It started innocently enough, Gavin had just ordered him to get him a coffee the first day in office and Connor had actually obliged. Without a single thought he went to the coffee machine while Gavin and his only police-mate Tina (the only person who could tolerate his bullshit) were giving him a surprised stare. "Can you believe this shit? He's actually doing it," Gavin chuckled a bit. Then Connor turned to them handing him the steaming cup. Of course he hadn't take it, that would have been beyond him. He just made a mean remark and left Connor hanging.

And it escalated from there - verbal abuse, death threat messages, the occasional shove or push… Had he felt even the slightest sign of remorse he threw it far away from his conscious mind. No matter what he did, Connor always acted politely, even kindly. And that was driving him crazy. He had no clue what was going on in that dork's brain.

Tina didn't want to indulge him this behaviour, but she knew better than to try to correct his ways. She thought she had a vague idea what was going on in that head of his and didn't want to disrupt his already fragile state of mind. Hank meanwhile got really close to Connor, maybe he reminded him of his deceased son that he missed dearly. Or maybe simply because how good he was at his job.

They were able to solve the case that had perplexed many brilliant minds in just a month. And when Connor was to leave the DPD, Hank actually managed to convince the higher-ups to keep him. Claiming he would be a great addition to our team and whatnot. And that's when Gavin snapped. He had thought he would become free of this festering scab in his brain that has been Connor. But the world wasn't nice to Gavin and so he retaliated with the same attitude.

Catching Connor on his way to the evidence room, he stopped him, startling him a little. "Hey dipshit! So you decided to plague our department forever huh? You couldn't just make us all a favour and be on your marry way back to your fed friends?!" he began menacingly. "'My fed friends' as you so eloquently put it, have decided that it would benefit all parties for me to remain here." He paused a moment and gave Gavin a snide look. "And I also couldn't bear to lose our bromance." That remark took Gavin by surprise. Before he made any deeper sense of what he'd just said, he grabbed a gun and pointed it straight to Connor's face. "Don't test me asshole. Unless you want to end up with a hole in your face. It would suit you quite nicely." With that he pulled his weapon away, seeing as Connor seemed totally unfazed by his threats. He did appear nervous or unnerved on many occasions but right now, he just… smirked at him. He was lost for words so he just uttered his usual slur of swear words and stomped off.

He almost felt guilty after that. He wouldn't have pulled the trigger in a million years but that was something he wasn't willing to admit to himself right now.

Then Christmas came and with it came the obligatory work party. He only ever attended these gatherings because of Tina, she demanded he come so she wouldn't have to get wasted alone. But this year he had one more reason to go. To see his favourite brainiac co-worker in a social situation like this wasn't something he would want to miss. He tried to avoid him since the gun incident and that made him even angrier. When the time for the party came though, he couldn't really get to him because his guarding dog Hank was always near. And he definitely wouldn't let Gavin come close to Connor. His eyes frequently wandered in his direction, half the time without him even realizing it.

Connor looked quite uncomfortable, playing with his coin every time he got the chance, not really drinking anything. Occasionally he would make small talk with others but no one would engage him for more then a minute. Hank was enjoying his alcoholic companion, talking to Connor from time to time, never losing him from his sight. Connor seemed really out of his element. He almost looked sad. But before Gavin could figure out how had that made him feel, he was already too drunk to think straight. He spent the night listening to Tina's rambling and then they took a taxi home.

Tina spent the night since she has just broken up with her girlfriend and didn't really want be alone in her empty apartment. And also she was smashed. So was Gavin, so they just passed out on the couch fully clothed while Gavin's two feline companions made their presence known by miaowing loudly, wanting their human to feed them no doubt. They slept through most of the day, Gavin waking up only because Grumpy almost suffocated him sitting on his face. "Dying…" he heard a raspy voice come out of a scary image of his friend. He made them coffee and they tried to survive this hangover together.

After some time Tina looked thoughtfully at Gavin who seemed to her pretty torn and uncomfortable. "So tell me, what have you done to the only person in the world who is genuinely nice to you?" His cup now empty, his mind sore with its relentless struggles. "I mean you avoid him like a disease and I've noticed the way he looks at you…," she added. He really wanted to know what way he looked at him and he hated that. He wanted to yell at her to mind her own business, but his head would probably explode if he did. "He pissed me off… and I kinda pointed a gun at him." He was surprised at his own honesty. Apparently, he was too tired to lie or to make any excuses. "If I could move I would smack you." She sounded exasperated. "I know that deep down you're…" "Stop." Gavin interrupted her before she could say something that would make him think about things that he tried so desperately to remove from his mind. "Please. Just… let it go. I know what I'm doing." "I can see that. Just remember that it's not just your life that's being damaged." With that she curled up and dozed off. "I want to see something not sad 's all" She mumbled from her sleep. He put a blanket over her and grabbed Chummy who was sprawled next to them, pulling the struggling feline close to his chest.

  
Some weeks had passed and he was again able to talk to Connor directly. Not having pleasant conversations by any means, just sliding back into his familiar teasing routine. He himself didn't realize that he came from ruthless bullying to mere insults that didn't sound as ill-hearted as they had. It was a natural transition, one he didn't have to put extra effort in. Also he had a case the required a lot of paperwork and Connor was often out solving crime with lieutenant dad, so they didn't have the chance to see each other much. Things were pretty dull and taxing at the same time. He wanted to do something about the whole situation, but his pride would not allow him to do all the stuff he keeps hidden deep deep inside his brain. So deep that even he can't find it.

"Hey spazz! Wanna go for a coffee break?" A familiar voice put an end to his thoughts. Tina just returned from her patrol and was visibly exhausted. "I won't be able to make it home without one." It was getting late the bullpen was almost empty. But he noticed that somehow Connor was still sitting behind his desk, finishing his work, really focused on what he was doing. Hank was nowhere in sight, he was all alone without anyone to protect him right now. Like the vulnerable deer he was. Or was supposed to be. And then he realized that he was shamelessly staring at Connor the whole time. He shook his head to pull himself out of whatever he thought he was doing. Tina just hummed curiously and started for the break room.

"So what are you gonna do?" she asked as they were sipping their coffee, leaning on the empty table. "What are you talking about?" he replied hoping she wasn't talking about what he thought. "About Connor." Of course she was. What was he supposed to do? Nothing made sense in his brain anymore, he only new how to hurt people and he wasn't about to change his ways, no fucking chance. His mind started to think up some new nefarious scheme when he remembered how Connor acted during the Christmas party and how he didn't get the chance to make fun of him then. And so he got a brilliant idea. "I"m gonna ask him out". Tina spit out her drink, not believing her ears. "For fuck's sake, not really 'ask him out', just to get him out of his element, away from his guardian, to make our mister perfect miserable. He'll then think about being kind and polite to me." Tina didn't have the strength to do something to make him snap out of this twisted state of mind. Not now, not ever. "It's your stupid choice." she said, long ago giving up on ever changing him.

He wasn't nervous. He had no reason to be. But when he saw Connor's deep brown eyes his heart sped up without permission. Trying to keep a cool composure, he pressed his nail against his finger, took a breath and started: "Hey brain-man. I know there is a lot of bad blood between us, so I thought maybe if we tried to hang out outside work it could make me less… irritable with you. So I was wondering if maybe this Saturday we could go somewhere…?" Oh how it hurt to say these words. His pride suffered the most. He felt his cheeks get hot, it was pretty embarrassing to him after all. He was trying hard not to meet his eyes. It was painful to feel that way. He had no clue what he'd do if he says no. Should have prepared himself better. The anticipation was killing him.  
He saw Connor's face light up. "I would like to". Gavin needed a second to register the answer. It really was that easy. It almost wasn't right. Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying, okay :D.


	2. Pulling at my lifeline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before

Heavy snowfall hit Detroit that day. It was a Saturday afternoon in the suburbs and a couple who might have easily been a father and a son were getting in a car ready to head out. They might have been but they weren't. "Really can't change your mind then, huh?" Hank's last effort to save Connor from whatever evil laid ahead. "You know he's doing it just to let you down, right?" Connor looked at Hank with his eyes wide open, eager to make his case again. He was ready to go through this as many times as it took for Hank to either understand or not to speak about this anymore. "It's not relevant. Detective Reed has invited me out, therefore I'm going. I am a grown man, I can take care of myself. I am not going to let anything happen to me." 'And even if something happens, I won't mind. I have already made up my mind.' He couldn't voice the last part, knowing well Hank wouldn't take that from him. Also he simply didn't want to share that bit with anyone. Hank started the engine and the car found its way on the snow covered road. "If I didn't trust you…" Hank could have simply refused to take him anywhere, but he didn't.

They drove in silence for a while. Connor was thinking about how the lieutenant had confessed to him about his son's death and had told him how he reminded him of the future he never got to see. He was really appreciative of his fondness, since his own father was nowhere around. He had never even met him, nor had he had a father figure in his life before. Up until now. He wasn't afraid to get close to Hank and that was rare for Connor. He had trouble talking to people in a friendly matter, trouble making acquaintances. He wasn't close to anyone since his mother had passed away 5 years ago. With Hank he found that something he was missing in his life. At least that's how it should have been. Yet he still wasn't happy, still wasn't complete. That's why he was willing to put himself in danger just to find out what else there might be.

They passed by a small shopping district and the car made a sudden turn driving off the main road. Connor gave Hank an inquisitive look and then quickly checked the car clock. It was 6:23 pm. "We have time, so I thought I'd take care of the shopping. You can come with. Buy whatever you might need." He pulled up in some store's parking lot and they stepped into the blizzard. "Fucking hate the cold." Hank cursed as he was trying to get a shopping cart. His hands grabbling at his pockets he turned to Connor. "Do you have a spare coin?" he asked him with a smile. Of course he had a coin. Multiple. They were his comfort, his one and only certainty. Something to keep his hands busy when there was nothing else. His fidgeting tool of choice. He had learnt plenty of tricks throughout the years, once a person at a street had even threw money at him for his unintended show. It had made him self-conscious though, so he became careful of where he takes it out. Not that that helped his mental state. He placed one in Hank's hand looking a little uneasy. Hank put his hand to Connor's head and brushed off the snow that was piling up in his brown hair. Then he spread out his palm revealing the coin. "You'll get it back after you return." He closed his palm again and went to the cart, leaving Connor even more uneasy then before. And glad that he always carried with him more than one.

He only bought one thing - a pack of mentos. Thinking it could come in useful. Hank filled his cart with dog food for Sumo and booze - things he loved the most. Then when Connor was getting in the passenger seat he felt and heard something rip up. He was immediately aware that the jeans he had on had been ruined. They felt a little tight on him (must have shrunk in the wash), but he didn't expect them to actually rip. Complimenting himself for choosing to wear a longer sweater, he remembered he'd packed a pair of sweatpants with him just in case. Well they didn't call him genius for nothing. He just needed to change quickly enough before anyone could notice. Hearing the motor start up, he looked at Hank who was oblivious to this whole situation and with relieved breath he let himself be taken off to the unknown.

It was now 6:57 pm. And they arrived. "You're ok?" If Hank could, he would just take Connor back home with him. "Yeah… yeah I'm fine". He definitely wasn't nervous. He was completely calm and composed. At least that was what he was forcing himself to think. "Well, ok. Take care son. If you need me, call me." He said his farewells and with that, the car with the only home he had slowly disappeared from his sight. Time to live.

He was told to come to Gavin's place at 7 PM, that they'd go out from there. He lived in a little seedier part of the city, yet his apartment building looked pretty decent. The snowfall had subsided a little but when he came to the front door his hair and coat were still covered with snowflakes. He put his bag into his right hand and pushed the button with 'Reed' written above it. Nothing. He reached for his phone when suddenly a raspy voice greeted him: "Who's there?" Was he not expected? Forgotten maybe? No time to think about that. "It's me, Connor." A second of loud silence and then a "Come in" brought forth the buzzing sound that opened the door to uncertainty. And he stepped in without hesitation, not looking back.

Connor was climbing the stairs to the third floor, being really aware of his jeans-situation right now. His mind heavy with anticipation, the struggle to defeat any compromising thoughts getting ever more difficult. Still, his resolve never wavered. He gathered his courage and approached the new door, knocking on it lightly. He didn't have to wait at all, for it opened almost immediately. So he was standing face to face with the man that had made a home deep inside his mind. He noticed that Gavin looked a little disheveled and had this bleak unfocused look, as if some nightmare still didn't want to let go of him. "Come in," he said not making any eye contact and went in himself. And so Connor crossed the threshold dividing the old and the new, the bland and the exciting.

The first thing he registered was the fluffy ginger thing that had come to greet him. He squatted down to it, putting his hand to it carefully, then petting it gently. "I didn't know you have a cat." He entered the living space where Gavin was already sitting on the couch massaging his head. "Two actually," he mumbled, his head facing the floor. He took in the surroundings, mostly noticing the mess. Connor was an exceptionally neat person and it made him cringe. It was this kitchen/living room - two in one - kind of room, so there was anything from food boxes to alcohol bottles to dirty laundry. "I like cats!" he smiled politely. Connor liked all animals, especially the fluffy ones. "What are they called?" He spotted the other one hiding next to the couch, not doing very good job, seeing as it was rather large and extremely hairy. "What do you care?!" Gavin retorted tiredly and looked at Connor with his cloudy eyes. At Connor who made a face that could depress even a blind person. He clicked his tongue and put a hand in his hair. "The ginger one is Chummy and the fat grey one is Grumpy." He said it quickly and quietly, not looking up at Connor who was now smiling again.

Then Connor remembered that he needed to change his pants if he didn't want to be humiliated. "Can I use your bathroom?" Oh how he hated this situation. "Suit yourself." Gavin still looked out of it. Connor waited for some directions so that he wouldn't open any door leading to undesirable places. "There." He finally pointed to the door, so Connor grabbed hold of his bag and went in. He had the urge to lock himself in, maybe stay there forever, but there was no lock so he had no choice but to go on as is. No more chances to escape. The bathroom was relatively clean and smelled nicely like a citrus. He put his bag down and took off his jeans. Yes, they were completely destroyed. Not even the most skilled seamstress could fix this mess. The sweatpants he had were as formal as sweatpants come. Dark blue and more of the tight-fitting kind. With the large sweater he looked ready to maybe spend the night on a couch, definitely not to party. Oh well, it wasn't the end of the world. He stacked the jeans to the bag and came out, feeling pretty comfortable if nothing.

Gavin was still at the same place, but now he was smoking. Connor didn't like smoking. His mother did so and it cost her her life. Gavin was studying Connor a bit and then chuckled. "Great fashion sense, nerd!" He himself wasn't dressed any differently from what he usually wears at work. He really liked his cool jacket, wearing it almost everywhere, it became his source of some mental comfort. Connor was trying his hardest to get rid of the nagging self-consciousness screaming at him right now. "Anyway, uhm, there is a slight change. I called some buddies of mine that are coming with, but they'll be late cos all the snow and shit. Wanted to take my car but the damn thing won't start up again so… yeah." That took Connor by surprise. He didn't expect to stay with Gavin in his apartment and didn't know how to feel about that. "When… will they come? Approximately…?" Gavin exhaled the smoke and Connor mentally twitched. "Eh… in about an hour or so." At his home he appeared to Connor more sad than angry. Or maybe he was just tired and didn't have the energy to be mean yet.

Connor rummaged in his bag for a coin, since his wallet didn't contain any. He was getting nervous. His coin was his comfort, his lifeline. He let out a relieved breath and looked at the silver friend in his palm. "What are you doing?" Gavin was now standing behind him. Connor put the coin in his pocket and turned to him. "Show me." he demanded. Connor regarded him inquisitively. "The thing you put in your pocket." Connor's heart sunk as he didn't want to part with his treasure but he also didn't want to upset his host. He slowly took the coin out and held it firmly in front of him. "Give me it." He should have known thing wouldn't be easy. He knew, but his hopes overtook him. "Why?" He wanted to know the truth, not expecting anything but walls in a way. "Payment." Connor froze for a moment. Was a payment or a gift customary in this kind of situation? He had no experience in going out with people and so he wasn't sure what was expected from him. He brought his hand close to the waiting man, slowly and uncertainly. He took the coin from him swiftly, his fingers brushing over his slightly for a millisecond. Gavin glared at it briefly, then flipped it and put it inside his own pocket. Connor realized he had forgotten to pull back his hand and seeing Gavin's amused look he nervously folded them behind his back. He buried his nail in his finger causing himself a temporary relief.

Gavin grabbed Chummy and sat with him on the couch. "Make me a coffee" he looked at Connor and then at the empty mug on the coffee table in front of him. Connor wasn't able to hear the inaudible 'please' that followed. "I'll drink it this time… if you don't fuck it up." He smirked a little and stroked the cat in his lap. Connor, being the good person he is, took the chipped mug from the table and obediently went to the kitchen space. But it wasn't just because he was polite, it was because he wanted to. He wanted to be kind to this person who didn't deserve it at all. And it wasn't because he felt the need to be nice to everyone ever, since he certainly did not. Maybe if someone showed him enough kindness, he would come out of the sharp shell of his and be real, just for a while. Connor was sure that there was a different person hiding inside. Perhaps not unlike his own. He was after all exceedingly good at character study.

He put the mug on the kitchen counter, glad to find an empty spot among all the mess. He looked for a coffee machine but couldn't find any. "I do it old school here. You need to use the kettle to boil the water." Gavin was observing him intently. "Right." He was starting to feel nervous again. Having found the kettle easily enough he put in water and turned it on. Then he searched for the actual coffee, feeling Gavin's sight on his back the whole time. He found it in the sink for some reason, in the coffee jar there was a little spoon buried. He sighed and dug it out. He himself didn't drink coffee, it wasn't something he needed to do and it wouldn't do anything good for him, so he didn't know what amount is appropriate for a mug that size. He could have guessed but it'd be best just to simply ask. He was thinking too much about things again. "How much do you put in?" his voice was quiet. He turned his gaze to Gavin who was putting down his feline friend and getting up. "Jesus f… Just… Let me do it." He was standing next to him pouring the copious amount of coffee straight from the jar to the mug. He was watching his reckless movements with interest. They were so close but there was this insurmountable distance between them. He felt his heart pick up speed. "Creamer" He was pulled out of his daze. "What?" He wasn't sure what he meant. Gavin clicked his tongue. "Help me find the coffee creamer, it's gotta be here somewhere." He sounded annoyed. Connor felt guilty that he didn't even know how to make coffee properly, feeling useless again. So he tried his damn best to find it for him. He needed to prove to that man that he can be of use.

He scanned his surroundings looking for any possible clues. He went full-on work-mode without even realizing it. Gavin was rummaging at the counters, not paying attention to him. Then Connor noticed some white powder on the wooden floor. He crouched taking a closer look at it, then saw that its trace continued further to the small kitchen table so he followed it. He put one chair aside and made his way under the table. There he found the packet he was looking for, but it was in a terrible shape. It was half open, torn and scratched at. But it was what he wanted and he found it first and that made him happy. He sneaked up to Gavin who was cursing under his breath. He touched his shoulder to make his presense known. Gavin twitched at the contact and turned to him, looking straight into his eyes. He was focusing on not getting lost in them. Then he took the packet from his hands. „You gotta be fucking kidding me. The stupid fat shit." The cat heard it and tried to hide but its size was preventing it from being successful. Gavin caught it and held it by the scruff, yelling insults at it, but there was no malice in his voice or in his face. "You are fucking unbelievable! I give you cat milk everyday and it's never enough for you! You always have to go and poison yourself, you useless shit. If you'll get sick again, don't come to me." Grumpy miaowed in response. He looked at it almost lovingly and took it in his arms. "Ok, all right you can come to me. Just… stop doing that, you hear?"

The kettle made itself known that it had finished boiling the water. Connor quickly stopped staring and went to it, holding it ready to finish making the coffee. Gavin had released Grumpy, who was now miaowing to Chummy, and dumped some creamer out of the torn packet into his mug. "Really?!" Connor now realized why some people at the station called him a 'trash man'. "Just shut up and pour in the water." And so he did, with a flutter in his heart. Gavin then took the spoon that was in the jar, mixed the coffee with it and put back in. The wet spoon sunk in the dry coffee like a corpse in quicksand. "What?!" He saw Connor smiling and wincing at the same time. He shook his head and looked inside his mug. "Don't you want some?" he asked, his gaze focused on the dark liquid that was reflecting his soul. "Mm." Connor didn't drink coffee. He really shouldn't with his condition. Yet he still wanted to try, if it meant getting closer to destroying that sharp armour of the man next to him. He expected he would have to make it himself, so he was stunned when Gavin took another mug from a cupboard and poured some coffee in it, making the spoon fall out, creating even more mess. But no one in the room cared about that. "Cream?" Connor nodded, he wasn't bothered by the state of it anymore. Gavin put some in and pointed his head toward the kettle that was still in Connor's hand.

The two hot mugs were sitting next to each other on the coffee table. Connor's one had a little black cat on it, waiting for him to come and taste what's inside. Gavin was on the couch texting someone and Connor was standing near the counters trying to find something to fidget with since his coin laid in a pocket of the person who was the source of his need to stabilise his mind. And he couldnť find any other. He was tracing his fingers along a kitchen knife he found on one of the counters. "What the fuck are you doing?" Gavin looked up from his phone screen. "Don't be standing there, you're making me nervous." The couch he was occupying had an L shape. Connor carefully took his place on the other side of the couch, next to the sprawled Chummy. Gavin pushed his mug to him. "You better drink it all." He never would have thought that this man who acts like he hates him so much would that day serve him something that wasn't clearly poisoned. Well, at least not intentionally poisoned. He took a sip, it was bitter, even though the cream helped a little. He didn't enjoy it at all. "So what's the deal with you and Hank?" he asked suddenly. The question sounded curious more than anything. Connor clutched his hot mug with both hands. The warmth gave him comfort. He looked out of the window where it seemed that the snow had stopped falling, then he finally answered. "I care about him and he cares about me. He's the only father like figure I have ever had in my life. And although I will never replace the son he's lost, he still treats me as one." He went on as Gavin was carefully listening to every single word he said. "He is a really nice and caring person deep down once you get to know him... You just have to open yourself to someone." Gavin had enough of that talk, he got up and went to the pantry. "What do you drink?" Big surprise, Connor wasn't really a drinking person. He was thinking what to say when he heard:"Never mind," and Gavin came back carrying two bottles with brown and white liquid. "Whiskey or rum," he pointed at each one when naming them. "Choose." He lit up another cigarette and brought two glasses. He slid one to Connor, then opened the rum bottle and started filling his own one. "Fuck it, you're having the same thing." That was ok with Connor, since he wanted that anyway. Gavin filled Connor's glass too. "Drink. Oh and don't forget about the coffee." He gave him a cheeky look and emptied his glass. Then washed it with coffee. Connor took his glass little hesitantly, but made himself drink the whole thing at once. It was worse than the coffee, it burned in his mouth and then continued down his body, leaving bitter aftertaste. He shuddered, not being used to this sensation. Gavin was watching him with a sinister smile. He opened his mouth to say something, but a knocking sound made stop to whatever that wasn't being spoken.

"Open up, police!" sounded a female voice behind the doors. He was irked because he knew exactly who was there. Even Connor recognized that voice. He had no choice but to let this uninvited guest in. "What the fuck are you doing here, Chen?" She was dressed for a party - tight jeans and revealing shirt underneath her unbuttoned coat. "You thought I'd miss this?" She waved at Connor, kicked off her shoes and went in as if she lived there. "Can't leave you alone with him, who knows what you'd do to this poor guy." She was slightly intoxicated. "Has he done anything to you?" she sat next to Connor, giving him almost a motherly look. "He made me a coffee," Connor replied, sipping from his mug, still holding it firmly. "Nooo way!" she turned to Gavin, who was now making one for her. She then smiled at Connor, studying him with her dark bleary eyes. On a closer look she appeared to have cried a lot just a while ago. She noticed with what intensity he held his mug and just said: "Welcome to the club." A then put her hands to her face and stayed still.

"Drink." he put a mug with a terrifying looking cat on it in front of her. She had given it to him, said she had got herself a matching one. She looked at it blankly for a bit and then felt something warm and heavy land in her lap. "Here." Grumpy was her favourite cat, she tried to steal her on many occasions, always ending up bitten or scratched. She stroke the cat gently and looked at Connor who had Chummy resting on him. His mug now empty. Gavin sat next to her intent on getting her talking when there was another knock. No one else he knew had keys to his building so it came quite unexpected. He came to the door asking who it was, but all he could hear was just muffled: "Please open I need to talk to her, please." Tina got up and forcefully opened the front door. There stood her ex-girlfriend, also dressed fancy. Crying. "Please, just please forgive me," out came her sobbing voice. Tina started shaking, tears falling down her face. "You hurt me, not once, but twice. How can I even trust you anymore." The girl dropped to her knees. "Because I love you and you love me and we only have each other and I can't live without you." she whispered, breathing heavily, trying to calm herself down. Tina also dropped to her knees and brought her head to hers. "I guess you have a point," she said, defeated. Connor and Gavin had seen the entire scene, Gavin shaking his head in disbelief, knowing she would probably come to him crying not long after. Then his phone vibrated, letting him know that his friends were here. "We're going," he told Connor and then helped the two girls up. "We can give you a lift." He put on his winter coat, so did Connor. "That'd be great." Tina said , wiping away her tears and her girlfriend helped her get into her coat.

There were two people already in the car, a blond woman driving and a dark long-haired man in the passenger seat. So all four of them had to squeeze to the back. First the girlfriends, then Gavin and then Connor. Their bodies were all really close to one another, the girls certainly didn't mind though as they were leaning onto each other, looking blissful. Connor stuck his head to the window, not looking anywhere but out. He didn't want to admit it, but he really liked the warmth on his right. The car pulled out and he was on his way to the further unknown, not being scared at all. Right now he felt sad without properly knowing why. "Hey, so this is Connor, my coworker." Gavin started introducing him to his friends. "Hello," he greeted, briefly turning his head forward to acknowledge them and then back again to to the window. "That's Melody and Sean." Only "Nice to meet you," and "Hey," came from the front seats.

Sean and Melody were talking about someone named Steve, mentioning how disappointed they were he couldn't come. No one was paying attention to them. Gavin took out Connor's coin and was studying its details, playing with it a little. He looked at Connor who had his face stuck to the window, not noticing any of it. He sighed and put the coin back safely. They soon dropped off the couple and Gavin scooted off to the other side, as far away as possible. Connor was still looking out the window, observing the snowy city and missing the warmth on his side.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took me longer than it should have. But I think it came out pretty nicely considering  
> Sorry for any mistakes/grammatical errors. You can hit me with corrections.
> 
> It's really based on my weekend, 25% of this story actually happened. Obviously there was no Connor or Gavin (unfortunately).  
> Also Chummy is a boy and Grumpy is a girl and I ship them :D.
> 
> Any feedback is appreciated.
> 
> Love you all.


	3. Knocking at my soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Drunken sappiness ahead.

 

He was still feeling pretty heavy, both in his head and in his heart. Gavin was a man haunted by nightmares. Nightmares pulling him back to his more than unpleasant past and showing him the future that he dreaded. One such had caught him on this day, when he passed out on his couch waiting for the bane of his existence to invade his home. How he hated the distorted images his mind was able to conjure. But worse was the feeling that always accompanied them. The feeling of helplessness, fear, despair. It was all there, rooted deep in his subconscious, providing fertile soil for his hostility, for his anger. When he saw Connor at the door, he just wanted to fall into him, to let everything go and to maybe ease his inner pain a little. But alas, there he was, sitting in a car, a galaxy away from the man who was causing the fiery turmoil in him.

Gavin put his hand on the pocket where he hid Connor's coin, the thing on which he relied so much. He was pleased as it seemed that our brain-man currently didn’t have any more spare change on him, making him think he acquired some sort of control over him. He assured himself that it was still there and glanced over to its owner, whose head was glued to the window. He was set on not allowing Connor to come by any coins or similar looking objects that night. He didn't want for the one he held to lose meaning. It was his most treasured currency.

The voices in the front seats got louder. Angrier. They even made Connor stop melding to the window. "I told you, I should've taken the right turn back there!" The blond girl was fuming behind the driving wheel. "What's done is done, no need to get cross. I thought this way would be faster, I couldn't have possibly known about the roadwork." The man sounded much calmer. "Okay, I could have, but whatcha gonna do." He added after Melody had shot him the mean eye. "What I’m gonna do is squash your stupid little face like a fucking watermelon. Won't be easy but will be satisfying" She sounded exasperated and Sean was facing downwards, hiding his face behind his long hair. "You guys do realize that we are like quarter a mile away from the place, right?" Gavin was used to their endless spats. They seemed to hate each other but they also couldn't live without one another. They and Tina were the closest thing he had to a family. But they were always too far away for his comfort. He didn't yet know he needed someone to claim his own.

"Where are we going?" A smooth voice breached the temporary silence. "He doesn't know?" Melody reacted in surprise. "You really should work on your communication skills," Sean made a jab. They weren't aware of Gavin's situation, nor had they any idea what kind of relationship he and Connor had. He didn't want to share these deep personal things, since they wouldn't approve of his approach and Sean would probably try to shrink him again, because that was what he did. It was his private struggle he had to deal with on his own. He turned his head to Connor, who appeared like he was looking inside himself. "Eh, it's this niche underground bar slash club, you don't really have to concern yourself with it." Connor appeared satisfied to get a comprehensive answer from the detective and went back to facing away from this confinement of a car. The rest of the ride was spent in tense silence.

The car stopped next to what looked like an old office complex. All of them got out to the freezing cold and Gavin saw Connor shiver a little. They went through a spacious parking lot full of vehicles left to gather snow and neared a smaller one story building on the side. Connor was lagging behind the group, taking in the surroundings, figuring out their exact location.

"Hey Gavin," the named man was alerted by a soft, almost whispering voice. Sean turned behind to look at Connor who was concentrating on something on the left where the road was being trampled by an endless barrage of cars and figured he couldn't hear them. "So what's the deal with him?" Gavin also looked behind at the man in question. "Is he like your new crush?" Melody joined the conversation. Hearing these words said out loud... well quietly, Gavin's heart jumped a little before getting into full defense mode. "No, no, no, no, fuck no!" He sharpened his armour and yelled at his locked up thoughts. He hoped they would perish in the mind prison he had put them in, but they were still alive, still thriving. "Hell, we don't even get along, at all." 'Whose fault do you think it is?' spoke the accusatory voice in his head. His friends were eyeing him with hidden concern so he went on with his explanation. "That's why I invited him out, to ease the mood at work or something." He quickly glanced at the unassuming man. "He's um… different. Not the talkative type." He put his hand in his pockets and looked at his feet. "I see. Well good luck with that." Sean was studying him the whole time, maybe just out of habit. He knew exactly what Gavin was about but was aware that if he had said anything, he would have been met with angry insults. And he wanted to spend the night as peacefully as possible.

They finally got to the main entrance. It was above ground level, so they had had to climb a flight of stairs, Connor now closer to the group, following right after Gavin, watching him from behind. 'No!' he screamed at the thoughts he was currently in war with. They settled next to the railing that was dividing the platform they were on and the sleepy parking lot. He took out his lighter and cigarette pack and gave in to his vice. He tossed the plastic lighter to Melody, who was gesturing at him wildly, visibly distressed by not being able to find her own one. Gavin took a drag, his feet playing a tapping game with the ground and exhaled with much less perturbed countenance. Melody soon did the same. Connor was observing him disappointedly, or at least that was what his mind was telling him. "You don't smoke too, right?" Sean was also looking sadly at Melody who was enjoying her shortcut to the grave way too much. "Yeah, no. I find it nonsensical and irresponsible." He said so that Gavin could hear it. Connor shook his head and looked at Gavin disapprovingly. The man had a lot to do to fight the urge to blow the smoke right into the smartasses' face. He touched his pocket to remind him of his own coping habit, which now was taken away by his conflicted co-worker. Connor slid his hands into his own pockets, drew a large breath, frowned at the smoke he unwillingly inhaled and turned away from him. "Asshole," he mumbled silently, only half aware that it was meant for himself.

The snowfall got heavier, so they hurriedly finished their smokes, putting them out on the railing. Melody took Sean's hand and dragged him inside. Gavin, freezing in the cold, was eager to finally take Connor, who was still facing away, in to the warmer place. He took a step when some nice dressed girls came by, looked at Connor and whispered to each other, giggling. "See you inside," the tallest one said in a sultry voice and rejoined her girlfriends. 'No, you won't,' the opposing side managed to sneak in before being shut off again. He went to Connor and poked his back. The taller man turned to him with a blank look on his face. "Hey!" he snapped his fingers in front of him and Connor returned to reality. Gavin clicked his tongue and put his hand in his hair. "Is there an entrance fee?" Connor asked, his muddy eyes now resting on his cold ones. Gavin immediately averted his gaze from him, reluctant to expose himself to this kind of situation for long, not completely trusting himself. "You have to pay anything from 5 bucks." Connor started searching in his pockets then sudden shock filled his face. "You've forgotten your wallet genius, haven't you?" Gavin scoffed. "I'm sorry," Connor looked at him apologetically. It was left in the pocket of his jeans. "Fucking hell, never mind about that, I still got mine. And stop looking at me like that." Money wasn't an issue, what bothered him was the thought of Connor being left outside. "Come on," he urged him towards door. "Are you sure? It's all due to my recklessness and lack of…" "Shut up and go inside!" Gavin silenced his attempt on changing his mind. And so they stepped inside the warm and loud joint full of unknown people.

 

Gavin gave the bearded bouncer 10 dollars and put his hand on Connor's back to indicate he had paid for both of them and to push him in. They took off their coats and Gavin was ready to go among the rowdy individuals, but Connor stood there unmoving. „Thank you.“ Sincerity oozed from his voice. Sincerity and something else, anxiety perhaps. Was he nervous? Gavin has brought him here for the sole purpose of making him feel that. Well, that was the official statement handed out by his mind department of data regulation. So he should have felt content, not whatever he was experiencing right now. He didn't want to name his emotions, because that would just give them more power, and they would eventually take shape. „Yeah, well, don’t mention it.“ He crossed his arms and headed to the bar. Connor followed closely behind.

There were two adjoining rooms, one had a bar and seats and such and the other one was filled with live music of the “enter and lose your fucking hearing” nature. The singer, accompanied by his instrument wielding friends, was melodically screaming something no one but him could understand. The people inside were mostly dressed in black or otherwise fashionably, no one in sight was sporting sweater or sweatpants. Was Connor self-conscious about his appearance right now? ‘Good.’ Anything to make this night interesting. Some people looked curiously at the new arrival, especially at Connor who was now getting really flustered because of it. Some guys gave Gavin a greeting gesture, but he wasn’t really sure where to place them.

If Gavin had to be really honest, he didn’t consider going to places like this his preferred way to spend his free time. Yes, he would come now and then, mostly because Melody adored this place, but he found his mind traveling to sleeping soundly next to his cats. But then he’d remembered that sleep bears demons he can’t defeat and would drown himself in booze. Thinking of booze, he proceeded to take the menu card left on the bar and went to Connor. “It's on me so I get to choose your poison.” Connor was watching him with those doe eyes of his. ’Why the fuck does he keep doing that?’ “It’s alright, I don’t need anything. You don’t have to concern yourself with me.” ‘Ha, you wish.’ “Yeah, well it’s not up to you, smartass.” He skimmed through the menu, looking for something especially nasty and he found it. For the briefest moment he thought ‘What the fuck am I doing with my life,’ but he shoved it right away.

He looked inside his shot glass disgustedly and handed the other one to Connor. Somehow he ordered one for himself as well. “Thank you. What is it?” Truth is he didn’t really want to know what the red liquid was composed of. “Just drink it, you’ll see.” And did so himself. And it was horrible. Salty and spicy and burning, all at the same time. He wanted to keep his cool so he drank it all, it was a slow and painful process. Connor looked like he hated it as much as he did, but swallowed it all at once, trying to keep his face from contorting. Was it because he didn’t want to waste his ‘hospitality’? “No more of this shit, let’s drink something more tolerable.” He went and ordered two glasses… plastic cups with rum lingering at the bottom. “Here,” Connor was looking at the clear fluid, hesitant to taste it. His two previous experiences were less than pleasant. “Drink,” like a dog listening to a command, he did just so. This time he took his time getting it in his body. So did Gavin - he wanted to spend this night with the clearest mind possible. Not that that would stop him from ingesting alcohol.

"Oh here you are!" It was the tall girl that had addressed Connor outside. Her black hair curled down to her bottom and she was dressed to impress. Her girlfriends were seated at a table nearby. Gavin was afraid something like that would happen. He didn't want Connor to socialize with anyone else that night, but his pride would prevent him to state something like that out loud without appearing like he wanted to be with him. Because he didn't. And that's why he felt this bad at the thought of her taking him away. He didn't even want to stop to consider his inner contradictions. "Come hangout with us!" She gave Gavin the once-over, looking indifferent. "You can take your friend with you. I'm Emily by the way. What's your name?" The idea of chatting with some catty girls appalled Gavin, he would rather watch the paint dry. He was ready to say something but was beaten to the punch. "My name is Connor and I am not interested in spending time with you. Please excuse us." He looked at Gavin and then at the door to the music room. "Have a nice rest of the night." He smiled at her politely. Emily was too stunned to say anything as Connor went away from her. Gavin was equally surprised and followed right after, not paying any notice to her.

He got out of that one pretty easily. That made him glad but also bemused. Why in the hell would Connor decline such an offer? It's not like being with him was anything enjoyable. Yet they were here together after all he'd said to him, all he'd done to him. Always being met with kindness in retaliation. They were at the back of the room, where the music was as tolerable as could be and almost no one else in the near vicinity. Connor was clutching his cup in his pale hands, losing himself in the invisible reflection of his heart. Gavin had to know. "Why didn't you want to come with her?" He had to almost scream through the loud sound. He felt his heart speed up in the anticipation, getting anxious to hear what he had to say. He did not dare look at Connor right now.

"Because I want to be with you." It was hard to make out in that noise, but he was pretty sure that that was what he'd said. His cheeks were now flushed and his mind confused. He didn't understand Connor at all. He could have asked 'why', but he was terrified to hear the answer. He gulped down his drink and went to the front, Connor naturally on his tail.

 

For the longest time they just stood there, listening to the cacophony of music while Gavin was buying them drinks. He pretended to ignore that Connor was occasionally watching him. He could almost physically feel his sight on his skin. He didn't want to claim defeat just yet, so he decided to flood his mind with alcohol. They were on their third drink when he was able to finally turn his head to the man next to him. He noticed that his fingers were restless, longing for something to occupy themselves with. He put his hand to his pocket to touch Connor's coin and directed his gaze to his face. His eyes were glistening in the lights emanating from the stage. He looked desolate. The black cloud hanging above his head was almost visible to the naked eye. What the fuck was going on inside his mind? Was it because of the booze? Then he saw the tear falling down his cheek. 'Why do you have to make it so difficult for me.' He had to go out.

Leaving Connor behind, he went out to have a smoke and to clear his fucking mind. His hair already started gathering the newly born snowflakes while he lit up the cigarette. He could feel the alcohol settling in his brain. It couldn't stop his thoughts from being vocal though.

He achieved what he had set out to do - to make Connor miserable. Gavin took out the coin and looked at it pensively. 'To make myself miserable.' He knew there was no coming back after displaying his disagreeable attitude, but that had been the only way to protect himself from those undesirable feelings making their way into his heart. It didn't work very well. He exhaled the smoke when he saw someone coming to him. He quickly hid his coin again. "Hey." It was Sean, who also didn't look like he was having a good time. "You look troubled. Where is your… eh… Connor?" Gavin gestured towards the building. "If you had let me, I would have told you to not leave him alone for long… I saw how you were looking at him." His face turned red again. "Too bad I didn't let you." Gavin leaned on the railing viewing the parking lot. "What about Melody?" He took another drag. "Oh, she is dancing with some guys… You know how she is when she gets drunk." He sounded downhearted. "Then fucking do something about it. You are the one who should take care of her. Instead of preaching to me." Suddenly he felt the need to get inside too so he put out the cigarette and lightly shoved Sean to the door. "You're going in and tending to Melody, no discussion." Sean nodded in agreement and resolve.

They entered the loud room and immediately saw Melody grinding to some dazed tattooed guy who was enjoying it way too much. Sean charged to them without taking a second breath and pulled her away from him. She protested at first but then he yelled something to her face, which made her cry and Sean finally enveloped her with his body. Gavin left them to sort it out by themselves and scanned the room for Connor. He didn't see him at first so he went further in, hoping he was hidden amongst the crowd somewhere. There were a lot more people now, the room was practically filled with drunk and dancing bodies. But Connor was nowhere to be found. Panic was starting to make a way into his mind. 'I shouldn't have left him!" He went back to the bar room, frantically looking around, but nothing. Connor was not there. He surely couldn't have left through the front door, he would have seen him. Then he thought to check the bathroom. Angry with himself, he slammed the door open. What he saw made his blood boil.

A towering muscly man was pinning Connor against the tiled bathroom wall. His hands were at his sides, trying to pull his sweatpants down. The assaulter instantly froze and eyed Gavin annoyedly, who was throwing thousand invisible daggers at him. In a heated frenzy the detective took out the small knife he carried with him for instances exactly like this one and put it straight to his ugly face. He had figured he couldn't take this beast one on one bare handed. "Touch him and I'll kill you motherfucker!" He whispered his rage-filled warning to the now relenting offender. He was so mad at the guy and at himself he couldn't see straight. But he was mostly fearful of what he might have done to Connor. "All riiight, okay, didn't know he was yours jeez," the huge man was obviously sloshed. "Get the fuck out of this building or I swear to god I'll stab the living hell out of you." The man dragged his heavy body out of the musty bathroom. "Whatever you say, lover boy."

His mind was starting to clear up again and he directed his attention to his coworker. He looked pretty out of it, his watery eyes miles away from anything around him. Was he that intoxicated already? "Hey, are you alright?" He couldn't get anything from the unresponsive man. He stepped a little closer. "Connor." His voice quivered a bit. The man in question locked his teary eyes with Gavin and his heart skipped a beat at the sight. "I'm fine." He sounded a little shaken up. "Let's get out of here." Gavin let Connor go first, so he could put his hand on his back to provide the smallest bit of support. He sat him down at one of the open tables near the bar and looked him in the eyes again. "What the fuck happened?" Connor promptly averted his gaze downward. "I don't know, I guess the guy said something to me, took my arm and dragged me away." Gavin couldn't believe his bloody ears. "And you let him? You, who could have easily taken him on?!" Connor started nervously tapping his fingers on the table. "I'm sorry." Again with the apologetic look. "Don't fucking apologize Connor, it's not your fault." He had said his name twice already and had to admit each time he did it felt pretty damn good. He wasn't able to deny himself this particular act of friendliness. "Just tell me if he's done anything weird I don't know about." Connor looked back him once more. "No, I swear." His eyes were so sincere that Gavin had no choice but to believe him. "I'm gonna bring us something to drink. Don't wander off while I'm gone."

 

For a short while they were sitting at the table drinking without really exchanging any words. Gavin was observing how Connor was trying to occupy his hands in various ways. First he had been just tapping at the table, then at the rim of his cup, followed by him sticking his hands to the bottom of the table, which had resorted in him grimacing and pulling them out immediately. Gavin had tossed a paper tissue at him for which he had been awarded with a smile. The smile that made him question all his previous decisions. Right now Connor was scratching at his hands and pulling at his nails. The world was starting to get blurry, unfocused. He really needed a smoke but he was enduring his craving. Instead he mentally held onto Connor's coin, his stubbornness not allowing him to return it no matter how much the other person needed it. He also felt like he had a part of Connor in his possession and that was hard to give up. Growing restless, he led the fidgeting man to see the band one more time.

He was gradually feeding him more and more cups of rum, hoping that Connor would maybe ease up. But no matter what he did, he just stood there as in trance. Looking and certainly feeling out of place. His right hand now burrowed in a sweater pocket, the other one firmly holding the see-through plastic cup. Perhaps if he had asked for the coin back, he would have given it to him. The music was now obnoxiously loud, every note hammering at his exhausted brain. He saw Sean and Melody dancing together, appearing pretty happy. Or wasted. Or both. His hazy vision was making it hard for him to distinguish things properly and the smoke effects didn't help much, but he could have sworn he saw Connor crying again. 'Why?' The music surely was anything but emotional. He touched his arm and pointed at the door out. Connor nodded and they escaped the noisy hellhole together.

After having seen Connor stagger on the way to their table, Gavin decided that it was enough drinking for one night. He changed their cups of rum for glasses of clear water. They were both visibly inebriated, each one feeling terrible in his own way. Gavin was starting to feel remorse for taking Connor here in the first place. He realized that he couldn't play this game anymore. He would have to distance himself from Connor completely in order to win. If that was what he really wanted. Thinking about it, losing didn't sound half that bad right about now. And that scared him to hell.

"Hey you two!" Sean and Melody also decided to take a break from the endless barrage of noise some called music. "I contacted our personal driver to take us home." _Steve_. Sean had to call him of all people tonight. They had a history together. Not one he wanted to think about right now. "Is he ok?" Melody crouched to face Connor who tried to give her the thumps up but managed to throw down his glass and spill all the water, which was dripping from the table on the floor, making Connor unreasonably upset. Gavin didn't have the time to react since his stomach was heavily protesting, its insides ready to leave the way they had come in. He fled to the bathroom as fast as possible in his current state.

He felt much more sober after having thrown up almost everything that was in him. His head hated him though. He was massaging it as he returned to the table, taking him a while to register that Connor was gone. Again. "Where the fuck is he now?" He was too tired to deal with anything right now. "Oh, I think he said he wanted to breath air or something like that." Sean was trying to sound legible. "Fresh air!" Melody noted enthusiastically. "You shouldn't have let him go, god fucking dammit." He knew he couldn't expect anything from his drunken friends. He had no choice but to go out to look for him. Having noticed that Connor's coat had been still on the hanger, he took it with him. It was freezing cold and the heavy snowfall silenced his entire world. So the buzzing that came from his phone was deafeningly loud.

 

from CD

I am sorry for spilling the water.

_just now_

 

'I don't care about that just don't fucking disappear like that!'

 

He looked around trying to spot Connor, but he couldn't find him anywhere. His vision was foggy and the snow was making it hard to see anything properly.

 

to CD

where are you?

_sent_

 

His heart was speeding up trying to catch up with his anxious mind, with his one and only fear. Losing Connor would break his already rotten heart in pieces. He was scouring the large parking lot all alone, not brave enough to call out his name. Another buzz.

 

from CD

I am in the parking lot.

_just now_

 

to CD

me too. don't move, I'll find you

_sent_

 

He felt a wave of relief wash over him when he saw the familiar silhouette stick out amongst some cars. He actually ran to him. Ignoring his terrible headache and everything else. He stopped when he was close enough, putting his hands on his tights to catch his breath. The steam coming out of his mouth matched Connor's one, but his breaths were much faster. He inhaled deeply and straightened himself. Connor was trembling. His pretty face was clouded by tears. His hands flexing nervously. He was the one that’d wrecked him like this. This man he should have taken care of. But he always breaks the most important things, he did it to himself and knew he would spread it to the people around him. That's why he wore this sharp armour of his. To protect himself and prevent those around him from potentially getting hurt more than necessary. And yet it wasn't enough. Now he was causing pain to someone _with_ his armour. He made someone cry again.

He helped Connor get in his coat, even buttoned it for him - seeing he was completely useless at the moment. Then he met the sad eyes that had put heaviness into his heart. He looked at the quaking pale hand in front of him, reached to his pocket for something and placed it in Connor's palm, but didn't let go. Connor's hands were like ice. He wrapped his fingers around the cold hand, holding the coin between their connected palms. Connor instantly clutched his hand back as much as possible, gathering the warmth it was slowly spreading through his body. Gavin ignored the hotness in his cheeks or the quickened beating of his heart and just focused on Connor's face. He would probably hate himself for this tomorrow, but now he was lost in the moment.

Connor's face was a mess of colours, but crimson was the most prevalent. His breathing was jagged. Another teardrop slid down his cheek. Gavin quickly took out another paper tissue with his other hand and smeared it across his face to chase those scary tears away. He put the soaked tissue back in his pocket. Then he let his hand wander towards Connor's face again. He touched his rosy cheeks lightly and carefully, not noticing that Connor was rummaging in his coat for something. Suddenly his mouth registered something round and smooth brush against it. Connor was trying to make him eat something, putting his fingers right into his face. He didn't care what it was, he just opened his mouth and let himself be fed, inevitably getting briefly intimate with the tips of Connor's fingers. The tall man put his hand back to his side without delay, his ears bright red. Gavin chewed on the thing he received and found out it was mentos or some other mint. Great, something to make the vomit after taste go away. 

"Thanks, Connor." That was the first thing one of them said since being caught up in the moment. He promptly realized he had forgotten to scold him for running of like that and making him worry sick. He let go of his hand, which made the coin fall to the snow covered ground. And Connor wasn't eager to pick it up and seize it for himself as he expected. So Gavin did it himself and placed it in Connor's coat pocket. Figuring he already had another piece of Connor in his own pocket. He was getting cold again so he started back to the building. And Connor followed behind again.

"Why do you always follow after me like some dog? I am not your master. Could you please walk next to me like a fucking normal human being?" He wanted Connor to feel equal next to him. Because he was in all aspects better than Gavin, yet he acted like he was nothing. Even though he was the opposite. Connor sped up his steps and appeared on his right. Finally they were walking side by side. He momentarily conjured a smile on his ragged face. But he soon went to his usual angry self. "Why did wander off by yourself after I specifically told you not to? Some car might have hit you or something! You're not in your right mind."

"I just wanted to take a breath. And I did." As he said that, he grabbed Gavin's hand and held it in his own as they kept walking, the snow covering their hair and shoulders, the white contrasting the red.

Gavin was perfectly aware that Connor was under influence and was doing things he would have never done in any other circumstances. It was the alcohol that had made him this way, he was sure about it. So as much he appreciated the touch, it was breaking his heart. But he wanted to treasure this place in time, wanted to cut this instance out and send it to the infinity. He felt like a schoolgirl on her first date. He hated how much power Connor held over him without even being aware of it.

They started getting close to some people near the building, so they let go again and put their hands in their pockets, unassumingly. They reached the platform and Gavin was so ready to finally have a smoke. It was all too much. Connor went automatically to the railing, looking out to the distance. With his cigarette lit, Gavin settled next to him. "How do you feel?" Connor had his gloomy face on again. He needed to know what was going on in this prepossessing head of his. "I feel alive." 'What the fuck does he mean? It must be the alcohol talking.'

"But you're living all the time."

"No, it's different this time. It's because of you." Connor was shivering again, his teeth chattering. He assumed it was from the cold, so he sent him inside to get warm. And he was left alone to suffocate on the nicotine without bothering anyone. Out here in the open he couldn't hide from his real feelings anymore. Yet he still tried to outrun them, to shelve them somewhere no one would ever find them.

"Fuck it." He put out his cigarette and went inside.

 

Connor was sitting on the couch in the lobby area near the counters where they paid their entrance fees, his coin was back in his hands and someone was touching his face – consoling his crying face. It was none other than Steve. A tall, slim, dark haired handsome man. He looked little like Connor, but there were some differences. Like Gavin wanting to beat one of them up right now. "Hey Steve," he put his hand on Steve's shoulder in unfriendly manner and made him stop engaging with Connor. "Don't touch him."

"Nice catch, thought you might wanna share." Steve licked his lips and winked at Connor, who was unresponsive again.

"I fucking swear Steve, don't even. Connor is different." He swallowed his last words.

"Oooooooh, I see. Are you sure you want to make the same mistake again? You know how you ended up last time, right?" Steve teased him without restraint.

That was the last he wanted to think about, "Fuck you Steve, it's none of your business."

"Oh I think it is, I am the one who always licks your wounds afterwards!"

"Guys please stop fighting and let's go home before my head explodes," a female voice interrupted their mean-spirited banter. Sean was holding Melody, helping her walk straight. "What she said."

"What would you guys do without me!" He had said it apparently to loudly because Melody had to shush him right after.

Sean and Steve helped to lug Melody out to the car, while Gavin stayed to tend to Connor. He was sitting there dejectedly, still wearing his coat and absentmindedly playing with his coin. Gavin squatted to his level to face him directly. "You okay, Connor?" He just nodded, looking at Gavin with his sad eyes. He pulled him up by his wrist, Connor flinched at that sensation but Gavin didn't have the strength to attribute any significance to it. He led him to Steve's car not releasing his arm, just in case.

"You're different too." Gavin wasn't sure what he meant by that, or if it had any meaning at all. He liked it though.

They had to huddle in the back of the car again. But this time, Gavin leaned on Connor as they drifted away in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I format my text strangely, I will try to do something about it in the future. Sorry if it causes any reading discomfort.  
> I made them drink rum because that's my poison and I have to make everything personal :D. Well, this story partially happened, so :D (no touching was involved!)  
> I wrote drunk Connor based on myself :D. I also spilled water and got lost in a parking lot that night :D. 
> 
> (I put my soul into this!!! :D)
> 
> /also guess what the 'D' in CD stands for :D
> 
> Again sorry for any grammatical or other errors. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.  
> Love you all - as people on the internet :D .


	4. Glancing at my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can I write? no  
> will it stop me? also no
> 
> enjoy this self-indulgent tale

It was well around 2 am, when a speeding car carved its way through the snowy city. The people inside were all drunk and emotionally exhausted. All but the driver, who luckily didn't have his senses influenced by any substance. Connor at least hoped he didn't. Not that he cared all that much. Right now his mind was only focusing on the detective who had laid his head on his shoulder and had his body stuck firmly to his own. He felt extremely light headed and his raw emotions leaked right through his skin. His heart ached and he felt another tear escape his unfocused eyes. Somewhere deep down he knew that intoxication would cause this sort of response in him, yet he still went and got himself drunk. Actually, the man sitting next to him did. The man whose deep breaths were tickling Connor's heart that was full and empty at the same time. He assumed that Gavin had drifted off to sleep and wanted to join him - a fruitless wish.

He placed his cold had on the sleeping man's warmer one and closed his eyes, letting himself be swept by the unveiled world inside his head. The quiet in the car was appreciated not only by him. Connor tried to grab hold of those bustling thoughts that had been relentlessly vocal the whole night. He hated that he knew exactly what the message they screamed so loudly said. He despised that it had made him so vulnerable, so broken. Yet it was all that matter to him right now.                  Nevertheless, he wasn't ready to wholly accept it.

The warmth emanating from the detective and the landscape speeding by lulled Connor into state of oblivion, his own breaths growing deeper and further apart.

 Before he could start dreaming, the car stopped and a low voice pulled everyone back to reality. "First stop - the Reed residence. Thank you for using the Black carpool service. Don't forget your treasured possessions and take care on your way home." Steve had certainly got cheerful. No one was enjoying his jolly delivery though. Connor pulled his hand away in sudden realization and opened the door that let the biting cold in. They said their thanks and goodbyes and left the warmth they had created. The cold was now swallowing them whole.

 Gavin was fumbling with the keys when he tried to unlock the front door, which amused Connor. He was trying to ignore the fact that his whole body was trembling, most likely from the mix of the alcohol in his system and the freezing temperature. When they finally got in, he was few steps behind, trying to catch up to his unleashed thoughts by keeping a slight distance from the unsteady man in front of him. They entered Gavin's apartment wordlessly, only a small thump resonated in the silence. Chummy jumped from the counter to see what was happening. He observed the humans taking off their coats curiously and didn't even protest when one of them grabbed him, gave him a little squeeze and carried him to the couch. He sat nonchalantly next to him and proceeded to lick his small ginger paws. Connor stood by the door hesitantly, not sure if he was fully accepted in this home. They had not talked about it at all. Should he even have come inside in the first place? It felt natural and his mind was nowhere around to dispute this feeling. His coat was already hanging next to Gavin's.

 

"Why are you standing there?" Gavin had his face buried in his hands. The hands which he had acquainted closely this night. Connor felt warm inside remembering that.

 He didn't want to intrude on the man, burden him with his presence. "Is it okay for me to be here? I can leave if yo-"

 

"Stay." His voice was low and hoarse. He peeked at Connor from behind his hands, then hid himself from him again.

 Connor was happy to hear that word. His joy only crumpled by the unfriendly thoughts in his head screaming at him how unreal it all was.

He removed his wet shoes, placing them neatly in the corner and sat meekly on the side opposite to the detective. He was ready to take his coin out when Gavin voiced his request.

 "Can you… uh… take off my shoes?" He scooted to the side so Connor could reach his feet, scaring Chummy off in the process. "Please." He placed his hands away from his face, revealing his crimson face.

"Sure." He swiftly got up and kneeled in front of him. He wanted to take care of this man more than he was willing to admit to himself. He assumed he would be good at caring for someone, never really having a chance to test it out properly. It was always him that others took care of.

 He untied his black leather boots and took them off with effort, then went and put them next to his own ones. Gavin was facing away the whole time, it all must have been pretty embarrassing to him. Not well enough to take off his damn shoes. "Thanks," he mumbled when Connor returned to loom over him again.

 "Do you need anything else?" He wanted it to come out enthusiastically, but somehow he managed to sound sorrowful.

 Gavin turned his face up to look at him. His gaze was burning Connor from the inside. "Yeah. Stop being so torn down, you're h… just… lighten up or something. Also bring me some water, please."

'You're what?' He really wanted to know.

 Connor poured some tap water into the cleanest glass he could find and took a sip himself before giving it directly to Gavin. He sat couple of feet apart from him while the thirsty man finished his glass. Grumpy decided to haul her heavy body up and got comfortable in the space between them.

 

 "I can't help it," Connor started.

 Gavin cleared his face from the hands he had brought to it again and regarded him confusedly. "What?" He stroke the feline's throat and it purred in reply.

Connor loved the sound the cat was making, it was putting a blanket over his shivering soul. "How I feel." He paused to take a deep breath. "The same as you."

 Gavin's hand froze. "How the fuck would you know?!" he tried to raise his voice but his aching mind didn't let him.

"You feel mad. Afraid. Unworthy. And you let it consume you from the inside."

 Not surprisingly, hearing that made Gavin even madder. Connor had him all figured out yet he knew close to nothing about the man who saw right through his rusty barrier.

 He took the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. Only one was left. He clasped it as if it was the last certain thing in his life. "What about you then. How do YOU feel?" He put the flame to his unhealthy coping device and inhaled all the nicotine he could in one drag.

 "I feel you should stop smoking." Connor looked at him accusingly. "Or I'll start."

Shaking his head, Gavin let out heap of smoke out his mouth. "Yeah well too bad…. wait, what did you say?"

 "I don't want you to get sick." One could almost see the painful memories in his tone. Gavin didn't have anyone who would worry oneself about his well-being. It must have touched him somewhere deep within, because he put the cigarette out with a scowl.

"You make me feel miserable." Nervous again, he put his hands in his hair and started scratching the skin of his scalp off.

 

"Gavin!"

 

 Somewhat shocked to hear his name spoken in Connor's voice, he looked up and saw something small and shiny fly his way. His hand instinctively caught it.

"I can teach you some coin tricks if you want."

 He fixed his eyes on the quarter in his palm and nodded. He was clearly losing his mind.

 Connor's eyes lit up as he got up to sit close to him on the other side, since Grumpy had fallen asleep on the spot and it didn't seem like a good idea to disturb him right now. He felt so happy to be able to impart a piece of his life to him that he temporarily cast away all his gloom. He gave Gavin a quick smile and got one back. A welcomed warmth appeared in his heart and started spreading throughout his entire soul and body, infecting the other man too and painting their faces pink.

 Connor showed him how to roll the coin from finger to finger without touching it. "It's really easy, you just have to concentrate." The alcohol in Gavin's blood made the learning process a bit harder.

 "Like that?" He managed to get it to his ring finger but then the coin dropped on the ground. "Shit."

 "Try again."

 Their voices were low for they felt like there was no reason to raise them anymore. And their heads were killing them.

 "See, you got it!"

 He finally succeeded to roll the coin from finger to another in one take. His hands were unsteady though and it took him great effort.

 "Do it one more time."

 This time he was able to accomplish it a bit faster.

 "You'll be better than me in no time." Connor was pleased with the detective's progress.

 "I'll never be better than you."

 He could sense the double meaning in Gavin's words together with the remorse in his voice.

 "I don't care." Connor whispered in his ear, drawing colour into it.

 "You're enough." His breathing stopped Gavin's own, his face and ears hotter than lava. Closest as they've ever been. Gavin wanted to do something stupid but before he could, he felt Connor's lips touch his temple in a kiss and then the warmth went away.

 "Excuse me." Connor got up quickly and disappeared in the bathroom, blushing like a little girl.

 Clearly shocked, Gavin put his finger on the place Connor’s lips had been just seconds ago, trying to comprehend. Unable to calm his heart down.

 

 Connor shut the door behind him and reminded himself how there was no escape. He yelled at himself for doing something like this. People don't just go kissing their co-workers, no matter where, right? Thinking about it, co-workers don't usually hold hands like this too. But then again, they were drunk so anything goes.                                                                                                                        'Isn't it normal? It can't be. I acted inappropriately and will have to deal with the consequences.'

 His mind was being flooded with arguments and possible solutions while his heart was racing, trying to run away.

He rolled out his sleeves and turned on the cold water to splash his face. He was getting overwhelmed, not knowing if he was ready to properly accept his own feelings. He didn't have time to find out.

 "Connor you okay? I'm coming in." The door slowly opened and Gavin stepped in cautiously, checking if everything was alright. He took in every little detail of the man showing his back. So he couldn't possibly miss the red lines visible above his right wrist.

He came a little closer. His eyes trying to justify the image as much as possible. To no avail. No matter how he looked at it, they only appeared as self-inflicted cuts. Bloody lines interfacing, stretching along each other in uneven patterns, creating map leading to the core of Connor's soul. His mind inflamed, he grabbed the damaged arm and pulled Connor to face him.

 As soon as he felt the touch on his wounded skin, he knew nothing good would come after. He hated himself for forgetting to bandage them, hide them from anyone in the world, no letting his dark secret be discovered. Especially by this person.

But maybe he subconsciously wanted him to see, wanted him to show all the pain, wanted him to cast it away, to create a new one. Maybe that's why he let himself be taken out by him. To at least put a crack in the glass wall between them.

 

He could feel the anger in Gavin's eyes when he forcefully turned him around. Still he was surprised when the man raised his palm at his face and struck him with an overwhelming sense of blame. It was hard enough to leave a sting. Yet there was no hate embedded in it.

The slap didn't hurt as much as the thousand needles stabbing his heart. He put his hand on the burning cheek and did his best to hold those self-loathing tears from escaping.

 Fearless, he looked to see regret plastered all over Gavin's face. He opened his mouth to say something, but Connor didn't let him.

"Sometimes, you can only find comfort in pain."

The hurt in his shaky voice permeated Gavin's entire soul. He couldn't stand it anymore. He let his left hand fall in place with Connor's right one and the other with the one holding his cheek. He made all the distance between them temporarily disappear.

 Connor could hear Gavin's fast heartbeat, his shallow breaths, the smell of citrus and cigarettes, the red painted in his face, the endless grey eyes, getting closer and closer - it all out put pressure on the needles in his heart, which let the tears out. He squeezed Gavin's warm hand and felt Gavin's thumb move gently on his colder one in response. Then Gavin placed his forehead on Connor's. He leaned down a little to let the shorter man in. Connor closed his eyes, ready for anything.

 "I'm sorry."

 The whispered apology penetrated his skin more than the dull scissors ever could. Connor wanted to show his affection, his lips brushed Gavin's for a second, but he was pulled away from the bathroom before he could do anything. Gavin sat him gently down and patted him on the head. He was left disappointed and baffled. He really wanted to kiss him. Was he the one who wasn't enough? Or was he too much? In any case, he couldn't outrun his feelings anymore, he would have to deal with them in some way. But not now.

 

 "You need to sober up." A glass of water appeared in front of the spacing man. He looked at it like it was a glass of poison, briefly questioning if he wanted to clean the drunken haze that had veiled his mind.

Gavin sat on his right, vile of ethanol at ready. Also some cotton and gauze. He gestured for Connor's arm and poured the disinfectant straight on the red scars.

"What are you doing?"

 He couldn't believe what was happening. The man who drove him to this self-destructiveness is the one to heal him. He didn't get any answer, instead he felt a cotton dab into his alcohol soaked skin, making it ready to conceal his painful secret.

 "Talk to me." Gavin demanded as he was wrapping Connor's arm in the gauze.

 He didn't know what to say. He did want him to hear the truth, to expose every single wound in his heart the same he exposed the ones in his flesh. He wanted him to feel the hurt. But the self-protecting voices were pummeling him with pleading cries, begging him not to. As much pleasant it would be right now, it would destroy him when the reality strikes.

Gavin was finishing dressing his arm, making sure it doesn't all apart.

 "Is it because of m…"

 "Yes." He threw all the warnings away.

"You hurt me." He inhaled deeply. "Your whole existence does.” He placed his hand on top of Gavin’s. “You should understand.” They sat there for a minute, looking nowhere, struggling with their own demons. Then Gavin got up and put the fat cat who was lingering nearby in Connor’s lap. He stroked it absentmindedly, still deep in thought. A million possible futures were flashing in his head, mixing all his emotions up in one inedible soup.

 Gavin made himself comfortable as far away as he could from Connor while staying on the same couch. He put his fingers in his eyes, trying to pry something out. That caught Connor’s attention, observing him with interest.

 “I have a shitty eyesight, okay.”

 Connor didn’t know. It made him really excited to learn something new about the detective. Maybe he should return this favour at some point.

 Gavin put the lenses in a case and run his hands through his face, massaging the space around his eyes. He then entered what Connor presumed was his bedroom, coming back shortly with black framed glasses on, carrying a blanket and a pillow.

 “You should sleep.” He put the things next to Connor and sat back in his previous place again.

 Now was the time.

 “I don’t sleep.”

 “What are you saying?” Gavin’s gaze was piercing him.

 “I have insomnia.” The words that came out were heavy. He’s never confided in someone else than medical experts before. He could feel his mind becoming lighter and that tickled his soul.

 Gavin started playing with the coin again.

 “So you like can’t fall asleep, ever? Is that why you’re like this?”

 “I sleep maybe 8 hours a week… like what?”

 “You know… like you are, a wei… never mind.” He noticed the unbelieving look Connor was giving him.

 “Why do you have this destructive personality then?”

 Gavin couldn’t answer. He wasn’t able to.

 “See, the reason is never simple. We just have to learn to live with it.”

 Connor gifted him a slight smile.

 "Why are you always so kind… to me?”

 He grasped the coin firmly.

 

 “You know why.”

 

Gavin turned off all the lights and put his glasses on the coffee table. Then he spent some time watching the blurry image of the man who was messing with his head from his side of the couch. They lost all their words. He would probably go mad like that, so he found the remote and turned on the telly. The sudden noise scared Grumpy away from Connor’s lap. He lowered the volume it so was barely audible. The news channel was on, the hum of reporters lulling them to almost-slumber.

 

“Hey Connor, you can at least lie down.”

 

Gavin got up, watching him do what he had suggested. Connor looked like he was ready to sleep for a year. He took the blanket he’d brought and put it over the resting man. He then he shoved the pillow under his head forcefully and whispered a magic spell in his ear.

“Maybe you’ll fall asleep this time."

He was watching him until the sleep took him. He put his head near Connor's, who was still unable to join him. He took a close look at the sleeping man, listening to every deep breath he drew. He closed his eyes and let the breathing become his lullaby. He didn't have to listen long, because soon enough everything remotely real turned into a dream, this night became a distant memory, a distorted mess of jumbled feelings. For a while, they both could forget.

 

\-----

He saw Connor standing on a roof of a high-rise building, looking down wistfully. He ran to him, wanting to drag him away, but his body moved right through him, causing him to almost fall down himself. He stood in front of him, acting like a human wall that would prevent him from making a step further to disappear in the abyss of… he looked down and saw only black nothingness, no lights, no streets. He realized that there wasn't anything else but this roof. He wanted to speak, but not matter how hard he tried no words ever came out. Then Connor raised his hand, and pushed him from the building, jumping with. They were plummeting down through the nothingness, never slowing down. Connor eventually took his hand and their speed increased. He wanted to look at Connor's face properly, but as soon as he did, the image became distorted, slowly melting away leaving a colourful trail behind. Connor’s entire body turned into a puddle of tears. No one was holding Gavin's hand anymore so he crashed hard into the shards that had once been his soul.

He jerked his body upwards, inhaling air of the waking world, wiping away the cold sweat on his face. He tried to shake away the terrible feeling the dream had produced, failing miserably. He must have woken up Connor, who was slowly raising his head. He immediately put his hand on his head and pushed him softly back to his pillow.

 "Sleep, sleep, sleep." He cast his spell again. He was stroking Connor's tousled hair, reassuring himself that he was right here with him.

 "What's going on?" Connor voice was still heavy with sleep.

 "Nothing. Just a nightmare."

 "Tell me." Talking with Connor was calming him down like nothing before.

 "You jumped off a building taking me with you."

 "Sorry." He said it only half-jokingly.

 "You'd disappeared before I met the ground. Melted away into nothingness." His hand froze on Connor's head and he got up.

 "I am not going anywhere." He touched Gavin's shoulder, giving it a tender squeeze. He hated to lie, especially when the truth burned like an acid poured over exposed skin.

 Gavin's head was trying to explode from the inside, but he was sure that the alcohol effects were mostly gone. He fixed his gaze on Connor, who in the soft flickering lights looked even more beautiful. An untouchable piece of art that he was trying to break. If he can't have it, better to destroy it. Still, after so many attempts to drop it down to a pit of discarded hopes, it always sprang back, lovable as ever. Only now he had learnt that he actually inflicted damage to the thing, the person that was able to make him dream again. It was the most awful feeling. It was hard to face Connor, even harder when he kept being so… affectionate. He wished to see his true intentions. Was this just some calculated scheme? Was it the alcohol's doing? Or did he really….

 "I fell asleep." Connor was looking at his phone. "For three hours straight."

It was early morning, the outside world was still covered in darkness.

 "I knew you would." He needed to get away. "Is that it then?"

"Mmm, I'd say so. But it was most refreshing."

 "You don't feel sick or anything?"

 "No, not really. Thirsty, though."

 Gavin was envious of Connor's composure and the apparent ability to eliminate hangover.

 He lifted his aching body from the seat and was ready to fetch more water, but Connor stopped him.

 "I can do it myself. You should lie down, get some more sleep." He gestured towards the bedroom door. Gavin was glad he did, because he really needed to be alone right now.  He noticed that Connor covered his arm with the long sleeve of his sweater again, but Gavin could see through all the layers of his attempt to conceal his damage.

 "Yeah okay, you're right." He opened the door to his place of solitude. "Don't leave while I sleep." He mumbled that sentence so even he could barely understand it, scolding himself in the process. But Connor got the message and mouthed 'I won't' at the closing door.

 

Gavin threw his body on the empty bed, burying his face in a pillow. Finally alone with his pain, with his guilt, with his regret. He deserved all of it. All the nightmares and headaches he could get. But most of all, he deserved to be hated by Connor - the only thing he couldn’t get. Which was making everything ultimately worse. He was afraid to think about the implications of Connor's behaviour towards him. It was difficult enough to keep his own true intentions under the lock in attempt to eradicate them. Yet it wasn't enough. In order to survive, he had to admit defeat. Let them set fire to those cells, let them pillage his remaining places of refuge. Let the tears flood the dry desert spreading in his heart. He rolled over on his back and took a deep breath. He finally allowed his feelings to be free from his constant denial. The relief that came put him to sleep almost instantly.  To a sleep where no dreams would haunt him.

 -------

Connor was watching Chummy balancing himself on top of a bookshelf, then gracefully landing on the wooden floor and scratching himself behind his ear. He kneeled to get down to his level, and petted him on the head. The cat seemed to like it so he pulled him up and took him to the couch.

 “What are we gonna do?” He hugged Chummy, holding him close to his chest. The feline wasn’t up to that. It miaowed in protest and fled from Connor’s lap. He sighed and went to turn on the light. Even if he could sleep he wouldn’t want to. Not like this. He felt that he received a key to Gavin’s armour, which he stored safely near his heart.  He wasn’t completely ready to use it yet. He wanted to wait for the blizzard in his mind to end. Now that he was partially sober, he could confirm that everything he felt that night was real. That the hurt he wasn’t willing to let go of was indeed justified. He was determined to turn it into remedy one day. He would just leave the cluster of feelings untangle slowly with time.

 He took Gavin’s glasses and tried them on, seeing only unfocused blurry patterns of the unrecognizable world around him. He didn’t lie about not being able to see well. He put them back to claim his vision back. He could tell that he was the kind of person who wouldn’t publicly wear something that displayed any kind of weakness, even though Connor thought he looked really cute in them. He smiled at the image his mind created.

 A series of pitter-patters gained Connor’s attention. Grumpy has woken up and was lugging his heavy body to his little plastic bowl. Then he started squealing like a pig about to be slaughtered.

 “Shhhh,” he shushed the overgrown cat so not alert the sleeping man in the other room. “You hungry, little kitty?”  He had to laugh at what he had called him. The monster of a cat was everything but little. Still he found her endearing, even somehow guessed that it was a girl.  He wanted to feed the cat to stop her loud miaowing, but was afraid that he wouldn’t find anything similar to catfood in this mess of an apartment. He dared to open the fridge that had only empty sticky pad and nothing else decorating its door. He was happy to see it was half full of cans of delicious meats ready to satisfy any cat stomach. There were also some beer bottles and take-outs that were growing mold. He noted that Gavin wasn’t eating properly. Not that he was the one to judge anyone’s eating habits. He picked a can of chicken meat and peeled it open. Grumpy was already trying to taste the yummy breakfast, lifting his front paws up and supporting himself on side of the counter. Now Chummy got interested too. He sat in front of his bowl, awaiting his share of the meat. Connor quickly distributed the food among the hungry felines in fear they would munch him instead. He wanted to throw the empty can away, but was not sure where could find a trash bin or if he even had one. He seemed to use his whole apartment as a waste container.

 He decided to explore the place a little. He was opening various cupboards and drawers, finding essentially more disorder than anything. But he did come upon a roll of rubbish bags. Seizing the opportunity, he put the can in. But he couldn’t stop at that. He took everything he deemed garbage and threw it to the bag. It took him some time to go through the never-ending pile of stuff. There were take-out boxes, cigarette packs, milk cartons, beer cans, disposable coffee cups, and a four years old empty antidepressant bottle. It was hiding under an extremely old and disgusting pizza box. He regarded it thoughtfully and got rid of it together with all the remaining trash that he could locate.  Thinking he might as well, he gathered all the dirty dishes and washed them in the sink, being careful not to make any loud noise - he didn’t want Gavin to wake up and catch him in the act. He’d better have no complaints after all that he’d done to Connor. And someone had to tidy the place sooner or later, unless he wanted to die here like the trash rat he is and take his furry friends with him.

Connor decided to go all out – he cleaned all the counters and tables, swept the floor with an ancient looking broom he found stuck between the fridge and a wall, emptied his ashtray and neatly arranged all his stuff he found lying around. He tried to dust the place but that was a task for another time. While examining the bookshelf, he noticed an envelope addressed to someone named ‘Elijah Kamski’. He didn’t open it, albeit he was really temped to.

 The place looked like people could actually live there now. Connor opened the small window to let some fresh air in. It wasn’t snowing anymore. The sun was up so he could see the lazy outside world covered in a white blanket, sheltering itself from the cold that tomorrow would bring. Grumpy was lying sprawled on the couch, totally unfazed by the sudden cold breeze that filled the room. Chummy on the other hand didn’t like it and hid himself in his cozy cat cube. He looked at his phone to see he’d got a new text.

 

_from Hank_

are you ok?

_34 minutes ago_

 

He completely forgot about him. He was so overwhelmed by everything that Hank’s worries utterly slipped his mind.

 

_to Hank_

Thank you for asking. I am alive and well. See you tomorrow.

 _sent_               

 

Hank must have been holding his phone, because he got a reply not a second later.

_from Hank_

good       

_just now_

 

 He was glad to have someone else thinking about him, a welcomed change from most of the last year and the time before. He was done being lonely and miserable. For a time he accepted being alone as the only possible reality. Never letting himself be loved by someone new, always denying entry to everyone who knocked. But this time he had no choice. He was forced the affection down his throat. Hank pulled him out of the dark pit of despair he had fallen in. And then someone came shooting at his windows, trying to break in in order to destroy him.  

Tearing down his walls and entering his mind, getting deep under his skin, injuring his soul. Yet he wanted nothing else but to let him in. To make him forget his violent ways and to open his heart.

 He took a red pen he found while cleaning up and left a memo on one sticky note quarter way into the pad. A secret message hidden for the future.

 He closed the window, since it got easier to breath. He decided to wait patiently for Gavin to wake up. He managed to dig up some tea that was before expiration date and made himself a cuppa. He appreciated that his only hangover symptom was a slight queasiness. Still he swore to himself to never drink like that again.                                                                                                                                  

He made himself comfortable next to Grumpy, wrapping himself in the blanket - considering it was still little chilly inside. He was googling some homemade hangover remedies, but couldn't find anything substantial. He would have think of something on his own. But not now. Connor pulled out a pen from his sweater pocket and took the blank paper he found near the bookshelf, letting his hand dance across the untouched canvas. Connor was quite the creative type, stemming from the fact that his fingers were restless and adding the actuality of his talent. He spent most of his free time creating. It also served as an outlet for his inner tumults. But sometimes it just wasn’t enough.

He was making a night sky appear under his pen. Every star illuminating the path to a dream. The round Moon half hiding under a dark cloud, only half awake, his sleepy eyes watching over the sheep whose number wouldn’t stop increasing. He flipped the paper and was able to start anew. This time he decided to immortalize the overgrown feline sprawled next to him.

He forgot the time as he was happily sketching away. He was pleased with the final result and presented it to the model herself, who was outright nonchalant about the whole thing. He placed the picture on the table and checked the time. It was almost noon.

The kettle was already boiling water as he tried to measure the perfect amount of coffee to put in Gavin’s mug. He had set it in the back of the counter, together with the ragged pack of creamer, so he wouldn’t have to search for it anymore. He had made the best coffee he could that was now sitting on the table, waiting to fill someone up with the bitter waking substance that it harboured. He then made hot tea to half a pitcher and filled the other half with cold water, calling it ‘ice tea’, because why the hell not. He poured heaping amount of sugar in to make it at least tolerable. He thought of making breakfast or lunch or whatever, but he wasn’t brave enough to attempt it, given the lack of any usable ingredients and his limited culinary skills. 

He lightly knocked on the door leading to the place he hadn’t gained entry to yet. Instead of an answer coming from behind the door, his phone buzzed in response. He went to read it.

_from Gavin Reed_

Come wake me up

_just now_

He took it as an invitation to enter his bedroom. He opened the door cautiously, slightly anxious of what would he see once he stepped in. The room was dim, so it was hard to discern anything at the beginning, but once his eyes adjusted to the low lighting, he took notice of the big double bed that served as the room’s centerpiece. It looked soft and cozy, though the bedding was in a terrible disorder. There also was a large dresser carved in wood and two nightstands on each side of the bed. He let some light in and then he could finally spot the man only just visible under the fluffy blankets.

“Time to wake up. It’s currently 11:56 am, the snowfall has ceased, only 30 degrees outside.” He was reading the information from his phone. The man in bed only grumbled and rolled over.

“And I made you a coffee. But you’ll have to get up to drink it.”

He sat up and got lazily on his feet, still wearing the clothes from yesterday’s night, only the jacket was gone.

“Should have said so in the first place.”

 He was walking into a changed home. Almost unrecognizable to its troubled owner.

“Also I made a tea!”

Connor was now really fearful of Gavin’s reaction.

“Where am I?” Bewildered, he scanned the place and rubbed his eyes to see better. Connor handed him his glasses, wanting to get it over with.

“I tidied the place a little.” He blushed with the sentence.

 “A little?”

 “A lot.”

 Connor couldn’t sense anger in Gavin’s voice, more confusion than anything. But he still had to ask.

 “Are you mad?”

 “No, no, it’s just… you shouldn’t have… I mean it’s not right that you… why did you?” Gavin was chasing his words trying to form a coherent sentence.

 “I was restless. I fed the cats and when I threw the can away one thing lead to another and… I am sorry.”

 “Do Not. Apologize. I should be the one to… you fed them?”

 Connor nodded.

 “Thank you.”

 “No problem.”

 Connor flashed a smile at him.

 “No really, thank you for getting rid of the mess, it was getting too filthy even for me. And I’m not much into cleaning so… thanks.”

He sat down and tasted the coffee, appearing pleased. His eyes wandered to the colourless image of Grumpy that Connor had created. He held it in his hand, curiously studying it.

“Do you like it?” He put a clean glass on the table and sat next to him on the right.

“I’ll keep it as a fee.” Gavin flipped the page to see the night sky imagined through Connor’s eyes. The lifeless stars dancing around the pale moon, never reaching close enough to join each other in their space jig. He closed his eyes to escape their sad reality for a second.

He opened them to a hand passing him a tea-filled glass, exchanging it for the piece of paper he was so smitten by.

He drank the whole thing despite how overly sweet the lukewarm liquid was while Connor put the drawing safely away. His headache had subsided a bit but he still was hurting all over.

 He rolled Connor’s sleeve up to make sure it wasn’t part of one of his twisted nightmares. The gauze covered arm told him it wasn’t. He placed his palm on it.  

“Pull something like this again and I swear I’ll…” He inhaled rapidly, afraid of what would follow.

Connor was clearly very ashamed, not knowing what was the right thing to say.

 

“Maybe I should go.”

These words stung more than he expected. He needed at least one more memory before he let go of him. Something to keep his exhausted mind going.

“Just… give me this last thing before you do.”

He slid his hand to touch Connor’s icy one, letting their fingers intertwine, quickly spreading the warmth between them.

“Let us stay like this for a while.” It was really embarrassing for him to say something like this, but he could hate himself for it later. He pressed his body to Connor’s till no space lied in between. His flushed face got even redder when the taller man rested his head on his. He could feel his heartbeat rush through his skin. Every breath Connor drew was a soothing melody to him.                                The intensity of his hold was constricting Gavin’s heart. He knew that if he tried something more there would be no coming back. The time to commit wasn’t right yet. He still had some demons to take care about.

“You know that if you tell anyone I will have to kill you.”

 “Hmm.”

He shuffled a bit.

 

“Connor?”

 

“Yes?”

 

 

“…nothing.”

He wasn’t sure what he wanted to tell him. Maybe he just wanted to say his name again.

He let the beautiful pain consume him from the inside, slowly warping his reality piece by piece, until there was nothing left.

Connor pulled himself away from the sleeping man, taking off his glasses, laying him down and putting a blanket over him the same way he had done to him before. He placed a gentle kiss on his head and left one last memo for him to find before returning home, fighting tears all the way there.

 

When Gavin came to he was delighted to feel warmth on his side, promptly realizing that it was only Grumpy taking his afternoon nap on his favourite spot next to his food source. He felt something on his forehead. It was a sticky note that had something written on it. He put on his glasses to read it.

 

_Thank you._

He crumpled it and held it near his heart.

 

He would make it his life mission to get Connor back there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this far  
> this mess isn't over yet
> 
> i struggled with million different moods writing this  
> sorry for all the mistkaes 
> 
> lots of love to you all


	5. Screaming at my body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

Hank didn’t come. Connor waited all morning at his desk, finishing some leftover paperwork, deliberately avoiding looking around - especially at one particular place. He had tried to remove the two days from his mind last night, but such task was impossible. Mostly because he didn’t really want to. The more he was trying not to think about that, the stronger the memory became. After a long sleepless night spent with wild disobedient thoughts, he’d gave in and let his body feel the hurt. He was ready to step out of his comfort-zone. Well at least partially. Not that he’d be slamming his body to the concrete straight away. All in good time.

Only around noon was he brave enough to notice that not only his scruffy partner was missing. He had felt it was unusually quiet but had his focus turned to other things to even take its possible implication into consideration. He suddenly found himself in a very lonely place, a wasteland of an office. Everyone was out on their lunch break or busy otherwise. Only couple of his colleagues were left guarding the place with him. Connor pulled out his phone and texted Hank. It was nothing out of the ordinary for him to arrive late, but he was really behind time at this point. He bit his lip and opened another conversation. The words ‘Come wake me up’ were glaring at him, daring him to write something new that was on his mind. He stared at the blank field with eyes full of self-doubt, undecided and afraid. But after a while he realized that he deserved to send whatever he wished and that it would be most likely appreciated by the receiving party anyway.

_to Gavin Reed_

I’ve noticed that you’re not at work. Is everything alright?

_sent_

He tried to come off as polite and unintrusive as possible. After all he was just mildly curious. And slightly worried. And also little glad to have a breathing space right now. It was like the day in school when both your friend and bully were absent and you were left to fend for yourself with no one but yourself to drag you down or lift you up. It was nice every so often but it couldn’t beat the feeling of having someone around. Especially when the bully just might turn out to care the most.

Connor sighed and touched his arm which had still been bandaged under his work jacket. The pain that caused the injury was completely gone, replaced with a different one. A more pleasant one. He grabbed his phone to ring up Hank but was prevented by an incoming call. The caller ID made him jump out of his skin. It was from detective Reed. 

A wave of nervousness suddenly washed over him. He could hear his heart’s fast thumps resonate loudly through his body. He considered blatantly ignoring it and turning it off. But the desire to hear the voice of the man on the other side won. He took a deep breath and swiped to answer.

“…Hello?”

At first Connor could hear only background noise of what sounded to him like a car engine. Then came the reassurance that he indeed was talking to the right man.

“Hey. I just um… took a day off. So you don’t have to worry or anything.” He chuckled a bit.

Connor let him speak.

“Needed to take care of some personal things and was reminded of… something terrible that happened years ago. And so… um… I wanted to hear your voice… It has a certain soothing quality.”   

 

Connor could sense the pain in Gavin’s tone and was let a bit speechless by his forthright admittance. It made him happy though. He wished to be by his side to help more.

“So um… how’s work?” Gavin tried to make him talk.

“Nothing interesting, no one’s really here right now. Just tons of paperwork. Oh and Hank hasn’t shown up yet.”

“He’s probably still drunk lying in a ditch somewhere.” Gavin could almost see Connor’s admonishing look and immediately regretted his unkind remark. “Have you called him yet?”

“I was going to when you…”

“Oh I see, I won’t keep you then. Just wanted to ask, what are you doing tomorrow?”

That question caused Connor’s heart to skip a beat.

“Mmm… working? It depends… Why?”

“No reason.” They both stayed silent for a moment. “See you then.”

“Take care.” Connor ended the call as fast as he could, his face putting all his present feelings on display. He hid it in his hands so he didn’t register the unkept man towering over him.

“Really Connor?” he heard a man talk to him in disbelieve. He moved his fingers down to see Hank’s a bit amused face. When he looked more carefully he could tell something was wrong with him. He seemed somehow even more disheveled then normally. “Who was that?”

Connor so hoped that he didn’t hear the entire exchange, well - his part of it, considering.

“Good almost afternoon to you too.” He was eager to take the conversation somewhere far away from the phone call. “Where were you? You look terrible.”

“In bed. Sleeping.” He sat at his desk and started coughing. “Never mind that, tell me about yourself.” He forced his sentence amongst the coughs.

Connor stood up and went to place his hand on Hank’s forehead. “You’re running a fever.”

“’’am not!” The lieutenant argued petulantly.

“Do you want to bet?” he took something small from his own desk.

“Why the fuck do you have a thermometer here?”

Connor just smiled a little.

“Fine, fine, I might a have a cold or something. Doesn’t mean I can’t do my job.” A well timed sneeze followed that sentence.

“Perhaps, but it means you can’t go spreading your germs to everyone who has the misfortune to come in contact with you. Go talk to Fowler he will tell you the same thing.” He gestured to the now empty glass cube in the middle of the bull pen that served as the captain’s office.

“Seems the old guy has left us.” Hank’s was quite surprised by the lack of Connor’s usual perceptiveness. “Suppose I can give him a call. A day or two in bed would do no harm.” He noticed the distant look in Connor’s eyes and reached to his pocket. “Before I forget, here you go.” He put the coin back in his partner’s hand, who regarded it thoughtfully.

“No, keep it please. For good luck.”

“Are you sure?”

Connor slowly nodded.

“Okay then.” 

He placed the coin back in the older man’s palm. Maybe Connor hasn’t returned from his venture yet, maybe he never would. He would be getting further away every second. Distancing himself from the only life he had known, welcoming in a new one.

He was left alone again, the sound of people bustling about and a calming melody of thoughts being his only company.

* * *

 

When the clouds went to sleep and the world got deprived of its natural light source, a single man was fighting a battle against his biggest adversary. But instead of a sword he was wielding a pen and a piece of paper was his battlefield. His pride was bleeding, the injury was preventing it from striking back. He was winning. His newly unleashed desires were stronger than anything else.

He was writing his own ticket. A ticket that would allow him access through a door he had been so afraid to even look at not so long ago. He had done so couple of times before, but it never had got delivered. And so he was stuck. But this was the only way. Conveying this message through spoken words was beyond the bounds of his capability. He gathered all the broken pieces he could find and sealed them in a white envelope, labeling it with the biggest one and leaving no return address. Then he blessed it with the hope of finally being able to take flight.

Tuesday began with a murder. Some unfortunate soul lost its light in the most horrible mean. And Connor was the one assigned to make things as right as reality permits. While he was out keeping company to the dead, Gavin was the one now sitting alone covered in a pile of unfinished work. The clock was particularly lazy that day, having employed a slow tempo and not doing its job properly. He was the embodiment of impatience, radiating out restlessness. Yet he diverted all his remaining energy to his efforts of concentrating on the responsibility in front of him. Hundred denied cigarettes later and the hand finally turned to the right number, the digit that would release him out of this building of law. He gave it a nasty look and turned to the stale cold coffee that was living on his table for some hours.

* * *

 

The dusk seeping in through the windows brought the handsome investigator with it. The room was mostly deserted, no one he cared for in sight. The bright lights contrasting the dimness of the outside world, like a beacon guiding him to a worthy place. He laid his things by his desk and was about to call it a day when something caught his attention. Someone had left him a letter. He studied the unassuming envelope carefully, noticing his name written in tiny cursive on the bottom. He sat down and ripped it open, his heart beating in anticipation. In his hands he held a piece of paper that contained all the weight of one broken man’s soul, a scattered pieces left for him to put together.

His handwriting was sloppy and at points hard to read, but Connor could understand the meaning in every single stroke he had created.                

_Dear Connor,_

_It’s hard for me to say these things out loud so I’m writing them down for you. I realize I’ve been hurting you since the day we’ve met and I never stopped. I have no excuse. It is 100% my wrongdoing. I am an awful person. Yet you were always so kind and polite to me. As time went on it got more difficult and then remorse started showing its nasty little head. The truth is I wasn’t doing it out of spite. ~~The opposite~~ Your presence is pain. And I wanted to cancel it out with more pain. Obviously it backfired on me. For good I think. That’s why I want to get rid of it. Of all the hurt I created. Because it’s important, YOU’RE important. _

_…_

_I am sorry._

_I know I said it before, but I want you to know I really mean it._

_I am sorry for calling you mean names. I am sorry for making fun of you. I am sorry for sending you death threats (yes that was me). I am sorry for shoving you. I am sorry for pointing a gun at you. I am sorry for making you bleed. I am sorry for hurting you._

_I don’t want you to forgive me, just to understand._

_When I first saw you I knew you were it. You’d be either the end of me or the one to save me. Now I think you’re both._

_I owe you. If you ever want or need something just say so. I am not your enemy. I wish to be your friend. To be here for you._

_I may be an asshole but that’s just how I am, don’t take it personally._

_And one more thing._

_Thank you too._

_PS. Show this to someone and I will set you on fire._

Connor suddenly felt this constricting pain in his chest that was sending signals all through his body. He was fairly sure the author had to be somewhere near, he wouldn’t leave the most private and vulnerable piece of his conscience lying around like that. He started for the break room, grasping the paper firmly in his hand.

When he barged in he saw Gavin in a sort of apprehensive position, fear in his eyes, embarrassment all over his face. He wanted to voice his defense to the fast approaching tall man but was silenced.

Instead of words he was met with slightly quivering lips pressing on his. It took him couple of seconds to realize that Connor was kissing him. His trembling hands holding onto him like he was about to take a fall. The testament of his feelings already on the ground. He pulled away to process the shock. Taking an unsteady breath he looked deep into Connor’s watery eyes that were spelling out everything he needed to know.  He locked his lips with Connor again, now with determination, placing his hands in his raven black hair and messing up his impeccable frisure. Connor was responding very well, purposefully tasting him, sucking on his lips with apparent passion. Gavin’s head was about to explode. He didn’t let himself even dream about this, but he was sure it was what he always wanted to do since he laid eyes on him. And it felt like the most amazing thing in the world. He let his hand wander lower, leaving Connor’s head, ready to venture a step further, when felt the wet stream on the other man’s face. And someone’s steps getting closer. He left hold of him again - with an audible smack and created a distance between them, trying to appear casual.

“You were making out!!!” It was Tina dropping in before her night shift.

“No we weren’t! Why the fuck would you say something like this?!”

“I mean look at you.”

They were both flushed, Connor’s hair was quite disheveled, lips swollen.

“You even made Connor cry.”

He quickly wiped his tear to hide the last of his unexposed self.

“What’s more I heard it.”

“Yeah fine. Just don’t fucking tell anyone!”  Gavin felt like there was no purpose in denying it to his best friend. She would have found out at some point anyway.

“So are you two like a thing now?” She asked cheerfully and looked at Connor, who was wordlessly standing there, abashed.

“No! I mean… I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it yet…” Gavin was trying to put an end to this unpleasant situation, when Connor got a phone call. He had this sorrowful expression again, like on the night they went out together.  

“I should go. Good night.” He was clutching the buzzing cell not giving anyone a second look.

“Wait Con…”

He was gone. They could hear his fading voice, talking to someone with a hint of distress in his tone.

And then it disappeared completely.

“I think he likes you” Tina jested. She then noticed the look in Gavin’s face, put her hands on his shoulders and added: “And I think you do too.”

 He knelt to the ground, took the piece of the precious paper in his hand and rushed to return the forgotten thing to its rightful owner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah okay I really like this universe so it will continue in a proper, longer and hopefully more fleshed-out story (no I won't. maybe a one-shot or two :D)
> 
> I will have much fun with these characters yet >:) - just need some time (and also to learn how to write hehe) no
> 
> it's like a prologue to a future tale or something .no
> 
> Anyway... thank you everyone for reading this thing. It's the first time I have written anything like this ever and I quite enjoyed doing so, even though the process can be painful at times (again, teach this person how not to write like a high sloth after a stroke)
> 
> sorry for all the errers
> 
> love you


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